How To Help Kids Develop Good Habits

By Leah Jennings, blog Create A Rhythm

We want our kids to develop healthy habits, but if we’re honest, we probably aren’t the best when it comes to sticking with positive behaviors ourselves.

So what’s a parent to do?

Thankfully, there is a lot of research that can help when we fall short. One of the latest popular books on the topic, The Power of Habit, written by New York Times reporter and author Charles Duhigg, suggests all habits, good and bad, follow the same pattern, or what he calls the habit loop. It works like this:

First, there’s a cue, which is anything that triggers the habit, from time of day to location to other people. The cue signals the brain to go into automatic mode, thus making the action that follows extremely hard to resist.

Next comes the routine, which is the actual habit or the behavior you wish to change.

Finally, the reward is the reason why habits exist at all — this positive reinforcement tells the brain that this behavior is something worth remembering.

Now that we know how habits are formed, we can outline a plan to help our kids (and ourselves, too!) develop positive habits:

CREATE A ROUTINE

Create a routine around the positive habit you want your kids to adopt and repeat. When we were sleep training our daughter, Arden, last year, my husband, Kevin, and I read in Moms On Call that children crave the boundaries a schedule and routine provide. In the book, it encourages parents to adopt the same bedtime routine every night, which would reinforce the desire to sleep. And wouldn’t you know it, after just a few days of the same routine, our daughter started sleeping more and more.

The same goes for creating habits. If you establish a positive pattern (or cue), the brain goes into automatic mode.

MODEL IT

Model the behaviors you want your kids to have. One of Arden’s favorite things to do is brush her teeth. You know why? Because she’s so used to seeing us brush our teeth. When we demonstrate the good habits we want our kids to have through our actions, they can’t help but to adopt them as their own.

CELEBRATE!

What gets rewarded gets repeated. It’s why Arden claps whenever she puts her toys away without us having to ask—she knows that behavior gives her the positive reinforcement she craves.

Of course, this will be a struggle at the beginning because habits are tricky that way. However, there’s something else Charles suggests you can do in the meantime: Fake it til you make it.

Yep. You heard correctly.

If you do the action first, ultimately your attitude will follow. It’s what psychologists call “self-fulfilling prophecy.” When you believe something long enough, it will come true in your life and in the lives of your kids.

What kinds of things came true in your life simply when you believed they could? What habits have you helped your kids adopt? Comment below!

Parenting Dangerously Close To Empty

By Amy Fenton, Orange Specialist

I love to live on the edge. At least that is what I tell my kids when they are all frustrated with me. I am that person. That person that drives until the “E” light in my car has been shining at me for about 30 miles. It doesn’t help that now my car tells me exactly how many miles I have to “E.”

I drive until there are no more miles left. It just has an asterisk on the screen. (I assumed when it said * that meant there was no more gas, but I’m happy to report that you can actually make it at least 5 miles with nothing but an asterisk.) I’ve learned that this drives my middle child crazy. He worries about his mama. He likes to know I’m not going to run out of gas, that I will not be stuck somewhere, that I am safe. One day, as I realized we were near “E” he snapped, “MOM! You are dangerously close to empty.”

A church recently asked me to speak on this very topic: You Can’t Lead On Empty. It was one of those Moses moments. I thought, “God, they have the wrong person to speak on this. I’m a single mom. I’m managing 3 kids. I try to take care of my house, my yard, the bills, the food, their schedules and mine. I’m working full time, plus some side jobs. They have made a mistake asking me.”

But, as I began to think and pray about this topic, I was reminded of an impactful talk I heard years ago on this very subject. Wayne Cordeiro had just written a book called, Leading on Empty and did a talk on it. I don’t save much, but I still had my notes, and the book. It was that good. So, I got busy reading and studying and prepping my talk. Every single principle spoke to me as a single mom and so I wanted to share them with you.

KNOW WHAT FILLS YOUR TANK AND WHAT DRAINS IT.

Answer the statement, I feel most alive when __________________. Now ask yourself these 3 questions:

• Who am I with?
• What am I doing?
• Where am I doing this?

Our life, our very soul, has to be filled up in order to pour out. If I were to keep driving my car way past empty, my car would stall. If I only put 3 gallons of gas in each time I stopped to fill it, I wouldn’t make it very far. We are the same way. Are you putting in more than your giving out? The drain of life can’t be emptying you faster than you are filling yourself up.

Our life, our very soul, has to be filled up in order to pour out.

CLICK TO TWEET

And one way to be conscious of that is know what fills you and what drains you. Being a single mom can ironically fall into both categories. Sometimes parenting can be so filling, and other times it sucks the life out of me. Make a list of “Fill” and “Drain” items.

Have you ever noticed that when life gets busy, we tend to cut the things from the “Fill” column? We rarely cut from the “Drain” list. Why? I don’t know, but that is something I’ve worked hard at changing. My kids need me to have a tank that is more on the full side. They deserve that.

UNDERSTAND BALANCE IN LIFE.

I think for most of us, if we were to define balance in life we might draw a seesaw with family on one side and work on the other. I used to think it was a constant balancing game. That is not really how life works. Our family has to be the fulcrum. Fulcrum is defined as the point on which a lever rests or is supported and on which it pivots. Our family is the center. If you lose a job, you start interviewing for another. If you lose your family, you lose everything.

LEAD OUT OF REST.

We don’t mess up as parents because we are evil. It is often because we are exhausted. We have to look at our year, our month, our week and our day with rest in mind. Schedule your rest points first on your yearly calendar.
o Know when you will take a day off way in advance.
o Schedule your vacations at the beginning of the year.
o Use all of your vacation time. You’ve earned it and need it.
o Know when you will sleep. Often people say, “I can’t sleep in. I have to get up, get the kids up, etc…” Sleep in on the other side of the clock. Go to bed earlier. Your best sleep is from 11-3. The average person needs 7-8 hours. If you aren’t getting that, you aren’t the best you.

We don’t mess up as parents because we are evil. It is often because we are exhausted.

CLICK TO TWEET

FIND SOMEONE TO BE YOUR LIGHTENING ROD.

Who is your person that you can be totally honest with and who can be honest with you? If you’re a single parent, you don’t have a spouse to bounce things off of. You need to have a person. Who can you go to when the day has totally frustrated you? If you don’t have someone you can dump it all in front of, you will take it out on your family. Find someone who can take it, listen and then ground it–just like a lightening rod. Sometimes, you need to know when to ask for help. For a season this person may be a counselor. Recognize when your kids may need one too. Finding help when it’s needed is one of the greatest gifts I’ve given myself and my kids. (see my article on when to ask for help)

FINALLY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY.
PRIORITIZE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.

Listen to him, talk with him, obey him, worship him, pray to him. He has all of this. He’s got our mess. It doesn’t take him by surprise. He loves us more than we can ever fathom. He is in control and he wants the best for us. I really believe that. He doesn’t want us to live dangerously close to empty at any moment. He wants us to live rich full lives that honor him.

 

Make It Personal

Parent Cue

A crucial link exists between your ability to parent and your personal growth.

This parenting value—making it personal—is going to challenge you as a parent in a way the other values don’t. This one will benefit your kids, for sure. But it’s not directly about them, it’s about you.  In a very real way, making it personal will help every other step you take as a parent.

When it comes to character and faith, your kids are watching you in a way they might not watch you in other pursuits. Because it’s so personal, you can’t do faith and character for your kids. There’s another factor at work. If it’s not in you, they know it. When it comes to spiritual and character formation, your journey impacts them deeply. If you want it to be in them, it needs to be in you.

As you read this, your anxiety level is probably rising. You feel like you can’t possibly measure up. If you were to level with your kids about your fears, your inconsistencies, or even how shaky your faith is on some days, you’d feel like you were admitting defeat.

But that’s a perfect picture mindset. God is interested in writing a bigger story, and your personal growth is part of the plotline. In fact, your developing story may be more influential than you think. That’s why parents need to let their kids see them struggle to grow. They need to see your authenticity and hear your transparency. Most of all, they need to observe up close that your spiritual, moral, and relational growth is a priority in your life. This is not about a perfect model, just an honest one. Whatever you want your children to become, you should honestly strive to become as well.

Your kids already have a front-row seat to your life. The question is, what are they watching? Is it just show? Or is it a real-life adventure where they see courage and passion to overcome personal obstacles? What if your personal growth was a front-row seat to the bigger story God wants to write in your family?

If you want your children to have it in them, they have to see it in you.

Your kids need to see you . . .

struggle with answers.
face your weaknesses.
deal with real problems.
admit when you are wrong.
fight for your marriage.
resolve personal conflict.

Your children need to see you make relational, emotional, and spiritual growth in your life a priority. If you don’t make it personal for yourself, it may never be personal for them.

Is it possible that you’re the kind of parent who feels guilty if you take a break? Maybe you run a long time because you have more capacity than most. It is possible to be close to empty and not know it. The question is, what kind of consistent deposits are you making in your personal life, for the sake of your family life?

Excerpt from Parenting Beyond Your Capacity by Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof

Northshore Kids Parent Connection: Week of Dec. 18

by Jon Acuff | Dec 12, 2017 | Blog

Christmas is about 7 minutes long when you have kids.

One minute it’s Thanksgiving and the next you’re putting away your ornaments.

Nothing moves as fast as the holidays and it’s no wonder that so many people find this time of year stressful. How do you make sure you make the most of your Christmas?

Here are three simple ways.

1. DO ONE LESS THING

I’m terrible at being still. On Saturdays, I often ask my wife, “What are we doing today?” She’ll look up from a book or knitting and say, “This, this is what we’re doing. The kids are playing. You’ve built a fire. This is enough.” Maybe you over stuff your calendar like me, especially during Christmas. Well this year, do one less thing. Don’t try to fit it all in. Look at your list of activities and remove one. Leave some room around the edges of your calendar and give the rest of what you’ll do some breathing room.

2. PUT THE PHONE DOWN

Your phone isn’t just a phone, it’s also an escape pod. Whenever you want, it offers you the chance to mentally disappear from a moment. Part of the reason we miss the holidays is that we’re stuck on our devices. This year, be deliberate about taking a break. Leave it in a drawer. Put it back in your bedroom during a dinner party. Throw it in the glove compartment when you drive to grandma’s house. Something that small can make a big difference.

3. START A NEW TRADITION

Sometimes, we speed through the holidays because we don’t have any traditions. A good tradition is like a speed bump. It slows you down and reminds you of years gone by. It pauses you and quiets the moment. It doesn’t have to be massive. One of ours is that we let our kids get up early on Christmas morning, but they have to wait at the top of the stairs before they come down. They think it’s torture but also secretly love the anticipation. That’s our tradition. What new one can you start?

 

It will be January before you know it. The new year will be here and you’ll have a million things to do. Until then though, slow down. Laugh more. Take a deep breath. Relax a little bit.

God didn’t give us Christmas to make us crazy.